With the memory of Christmas morning still fresh in my mind, I have some free advice, more like a warning, if you will, for men all over the world who may be contemplating the perfect gift for that special gal in their life. Rather than thinking about what present to buy the light of your life, maybe we should consider what not to buy for the little woman. We all rack our brains, sometimes for months in advance of that big day looking for the perfect gift. Like dogs, we all want to make our master happy, to see that look of love in her eye and possibly even be rewarded with a pat on the head, or perhaps something even better. If that’s what you’re looking for then don’t buy the little lady underwear—if you do, you are committing yourself to abject failure.

     But let’s assume that you aren’t going to take my advice and you’re going to go out and by the lady some drawers. In the field of buying women’s underwear, the best case scenario would be that you buy her underwear that is too small. She’ll say they’re the right size even though she knows she’ll never wear them. Then they will, go into a drawer never to be seen again. She won’t really be happy, but at least she won’t lock herself in her room and leave all the holiday cooking and entertaining to you. An important point to remember is that the right size and too big are the same thing. Whatever size underwear a woman wears, in her mind, she wears two sizes smaller. Also, women’s underwear always looks smaller when it’s neatly folded up and wrapped in plastic and partially hidden by a cardboard picture of some super-model prancing around in her panties.

     Quick, ask yourself this question. What size underpants does your wife, girlfriend or lover wear? You don’t know, do you? I didn’t think so. You probably don’t even know what the sizes mean. In Manworld a size 16 is something you wore when you were a kid, it’s small, and so even if your wife is average in size, a size 16 would probably be too small, right? Also, your lady is a woman, not a “misses” and probably not “petite” so your going to go to the “woman’s” section to buy the underwear—it only makes sense. So if size 16 sounds small and your woman is average sized, you will probably want to go for a size 20, maybe 24. It all seems very logical doesn’t it? Well, if it does, then you definitely need to start considering buying the little lady a circular saw, or maybe a cordless drill. The last thing you want on whatever holiday, birthday or anniversary you happen to be celebrating, is for your favorite gal to unwrap her present, hold it up with her two hands stretched far apart and start bawling because you have bought her underwear that is large enough to cover the back seat of a 1939 Packard.

     If you really want to make her happy, buy jewelry—lot’s of it.