in the days of our childhood if you didn’t give out any candy or if
your candy wasn’t deemed worthy by the adolescent trick-or-treaters
(and they have no business asking for candy at that age anyway)...the
‘trick’ might be to place a paper bag of dog poop on the porch light
it on fire and ring the doorbell. They would be hiding in your bushes
and when you came out and stomped on the bag to put out the fire well
you can visualize the mess that would send them into fits of muffled
laughter. The tricksters are a bit more sophisticated these days. If
you piss them off by not giving them $20 a piece in lieu of candy
they’ll drive by later in the night and throw a boulder through your
car window. Wow! Times have changed.
had a budget of $4 to purchase our lawn decorations this year. You
can’t buy shit for $4 these days so she came home with two miniscule
plastic spiders requiring a magnifying glass to see at night a neon
spider that glows in the dark (for about 20 seconds then shuts down)
and a tin-foil witch 8-inches tall that she attached to our screen
door. I fear that the trick-or-treaters of today will scoff at our
meager attempts to scare them. I’ve parked my car in the neighbor’s
garage in hopes that they won’t discover it until November 1. We’re
going to take the risk of shutting off our lights after the wee ones
have gotten their 2 Hershey’s Kisses (each)...come on...we’re not
cheap). Then we’ll lie in wait with my 9mm Glauck for the adolescents
who think they can punish us. It won’t be loaded but they won’t know
never liked Halloween because The Ancient One - then known as The
Stunning One - was not great at costuming. While other mothers went
all out with sewing Wonder Woman outfits and building papier mache
Howdy Doody masks our mother was having a martini and dressing for a
cocktail party. I always ended up being Tom Sawyer. I just put on
some old jeans dotted freckles on my face and went running around the
neighborhood barefooted with a big paper bag I found in the garage.
Pretty lame but I did get the goods. People would ask “And who are
you supposed to be?” I said “Tom Sawyer ma’am.” But I was
back in the fifties all of us ghosts and goblins just ran around
willy-nilly like a pack of wild pigs. Parents rarely accompanied us on
our quest so we got to reach our little hands into bowls of hard
candies and Tootsie Rolls with nary a care for propriety manners or
needles. These days the parents are always with the children and they
are only allowed to take one piece of candy. Then they have to say a
thank you as they saunter off with mom or dad two steps behind like
some prison guard. That really sucks. I feel sorry for them. I take
handfuls of candy and plunk the booty into their bright orange
pumpkin-shaped receptacles and tell them if they take off running they
can ditch their parents at the creek down the street. This does not go
over well with most of the parents but there is nothing more fun for a
kid than running around in the dark on a cool fall night. We did it
and we’re still here. Running in packs….safety in numbers that’s the
key to a successful Halloween experience.
I got pissed off because of stingy candy-giving I would hide in the
bushes and tear all the leaves off of their perfectly shaped topiary
plant and then scatter the leaves on the front porch. That’ll show
‘em I would think and then next year they would certainly make sure
their candy supply was more abundantly distributed and it would all be
because of my attention to duty.
wish I could get dressed up and go door-to-door and ask for candy.
Trick or Treat!! I would be Tammy Fay Baker…or maybe Boy George.
Wouldn’t that be great if grown-ups did that too? Only we would fill
our pumpkin buckets with truffles and olives. I’m just sayin’.