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a child The Ancient one thought I wouldnít mind going to a dentist who
was in her social circle. Never mind that the guy was 6í4Ē with an
anger management problem. He used to get pissed off and throw
instruments around the room...with me as a wee little girl frightened
beyond measure shivering in the big chair with the spotlight blinding
my sensitive little eyes. Oh and he yelled at his nurse which really
made me mad. That was about 54 years ago and Iíve been a dental
phobic ever since.
any family there seem to be two groups...siblings who have perfect
teeth no cavities or malformations of any kind and the Ďotherí group
who had their first cavity at age three teeth going off in every
direction with a tongue like a heat-seeking missile following the
dentistís every move around the mouth. I will curse SalGal until her
passing for being in the first group of those with perfect teeth. She
doesnít have the first clue what mouth pain really is. Actually aside
from a time or two when the medication was wearing off neither do I.
am so heavily medicated on Valium when I have to have work done in my
mouth that SalGal has to drive me to and fro. I shuffle slowly into the
waiting room like the old man from Laugh-In feet never actually
leaving the floor head dropped drool dripping from the corners of the
mouth...pretty much nearing a comatose state. Thatís the way I go to
the dentist. Oh and then I demand the nitrous oxide on top like the
cherry on top of the whipped cream of intoxicants I have swallowed.
could have missed all of the dental pain Iíve had to endure through the
years had I not begun my movie popcorn addiction at the age of six.
Fifty-one years Iíve scarfed down a family-sized tub of popcorn at my
weekly movies...down to the very last very hard un-popped kernel
until I put the tub down to finally focus on the film. I have never
been able to rid myself of this addiction and now itís the only one I
have left. So I have a continuous supply of Valium (okay I do cheat
and take one just for fun every few months or so...sue me)...for every
time I need to have the dentist re-adjust my Ďpartial.í Yes Iíve had
a few teeth pulled that accidentally cracked on those last kernels of
popcorn but thatís a trade-off that Iím willing to accept for just one
more handful of the puffy stuff.
I guess I shouldnít complain but then life is just a series of trade-offs is it not?
hate going to the dentist more than anything. Itís true that KK has
had more unfortunate experiences with dentists than I have but being
afraid of that office and the tools they use is an archetypal fear.
The only scarier thing that I have done is stand-up comedy. Both are
frightening enough to cause heart failure and both can leave you shaky
and in need of a Xanax beforehand and a stiff drink immediately
afterward. Some people use marijuana but that involves hiding in the
alley and I would rather chill at home with that whole idea.
had a baby tooth come out of the bottom left side of my mouth when I
was about twelve years old. Our dentistís name was Dr. Dean Stract and
he saw after a while that a new one would never grow in so he made me
a false tooth in a cradle of steel that slipped right into my mouth and
itís still there! I am 58 years old for Godís sake. That means this
thing has been in my mouth for 46 years! Sure my partial is a little
loose and I canít eat Milk Duds anymore but Iíve had it for so long
now that it seems like a part of me. Like my toenailsÖor maybe my
hair. You have to clean it every day make sure it doesnít go down the
drain in the bathroom sink and keep the cats from using it as a push
I lucked out in the tooth department. The worst thing that ever
happened in my mouth was when I had to get my two upper molars removed.
That hurt like a son-of-a-bitch and they didnít warn me at all. I
even went back to work that day thinking this is a piece of cake.
When the drugs wore off toward the end of the day I thought I was
dying. Either that or a bat had flown into my mouth and was eating my
head from the inside out. It was grim and I ended up in bed for three
days reading The National Inquirer and watching reruns of The Dick
how about the sound of the drill? Is that the scariest? It makes you
feel like you got caught in a scary movie. I know I knowÖit doesnít
hurt but itís just the sound of it. You hear the sound of liquid and
the light is in your eyes as dim faces peek at you from the darkness
and you feel like you are drowning andÖwait a minute Iím on stage in a
comedy club and Iím dyiní up hereÖ.please let this be a dream please
let this be a dream please let this be a dreamÖ.
Wait a minute thereís laughter and applause! My dentist and hygenist love me.