|The Perfect Woman (Assembly Required)|
If you happen to be the perfect man, like me perhaps, then you should probably have a perfect woman in your life. The problem is; the perfect woman is about as hard to find as Amelia Aerhart and as indistinct as a transsexual. It is very difficult to uncover that woman who has everything for each one of us perfect guys.
With the advancements made in recent years in the field of bio-engineering, cosmetic surgery and mind-altering pharmaceuticals the perfect woman is no longer a dream conjured up by a twenty-year-old college student after consuming ungodly amounts of beer and pizza at a frat party.
As of this writing I am in the process of putting together a team of specialists in the various fields of the scientific and business communities to create and then market the “Do-it-yourself, Perfect Woman Kit.”
After weeks of exhausting research and countless interviews with dozens of perfect men, the parameters have been established and a prototype is in development. Here is what the standard model of the perfect woman will look like once she reaches the store shelves.
The perfect woman will be five-feet two-inches in height, and weigh one hundred pounds. Her breasts will be massive yet perky. Her head will be bald—easily accessorized with the wig collection that will come in each kit. She will love all sports except soccer and will happily watch the games with you—unless of course you’re having your buddies over to watch football and drink beer. In that case she will resign herself to the kitchen where she will make grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate cream pies. Coming out only occasionally to impress your friends with her beauty.
The perfect woman’s skill in the bedroom will dwarf those of the highest price call girl yet she will have no sexual past having saved herself for only you. She will be a career woman earning enough money to allow the perfect man in her life to spend his days fishing, shooting pool or doing anything else he wishes without having to worry about the household finances, which she will manage with the efficiency of a business tycoon who has an M.B.A. from Harvard. She will be a good mother, president of the P.T.A. and author of several children’s books.
If all of this sounds too good to be true, well, that's because it is. There is no "perfect" woman. But if you look at the woman in your life and start listing all of the things that she has done for you over the years and all of the imperfections that she has overlooked in you, you will find that there is a woman who while she may not be perfect, she is perfect for you.