|Declaring My Candidacy|
Okay, I’m ready to start my campaign for the vice presidency. I don’t want to be president, just the veep. I figure it would be a pretty good job, to be vice president of the United States. Pretty good pay and excellent health care benefits. You get your very own jet to fly around in. Chauffeured limo, secret service agents to keep people from kicking sand in my face, very little responsibility or real work to do and as I understand it, a hunting license to shoot people and claim it was a hunting “accident.” Yessireebob, I’m throwing my hat in the ring right now before anybody actually gets nominated to run for the presidency. I figure if I get enough of a head start on this and get a lot of support from you, I should be the logical choice of whomever gets nominated to run for president. It doesn’t really matter which party I’m the running mate on – they’re all a bunch of lying, conniving snakes in the grass anyway.
So, what platform am I running on you may ask. I plan to take the office back to its glory days and be the do nothing vice president! Nobody (especially the prez) wants his veep to do anything that might embarrass him/her, like make an intelligent decision. I should be very good at that, since I’ve made very few smart decisions in my whole life. I’ll even go so far as to promise not to try and spell “potato.” I’ll just spell it “spud.”
Now, I realize most folks with political aspirations begin their careers on a smaller scale, like running for congress. I don’t have time for that – I’m old. And besides, congresspersons have something called “constituents” that they have to pay lip service to every couple of years. I’d rather fly beneath the radar, as it were, and just be the seldom (or never) seen or heard from vice president.
So, you ask, what happens if the president croaks and you all of a sudden have to step into the job? Well, I certainly wouldn’t want that to happen, but I suppose I could muddle through somehow. We’ve had a number of presidents who’ve done just that, i.e. Millard Fillmore, Calvin Coolidge, “Ike”, Dubya, et al. I reckon I couldn’t do a much worse job as The Prez than Dubya.
So, when you go to your local party caucuses, please remember to vote for me, Xradioguyfrank for vice president of these here United States. Thank you.