What do older women and teenage boys have in common? They both have a fondness for the perfume, or parfum, or cologne, or toilet water or as I prefer to call it eau de toilette. I like using the word toilet as often as I can appropriately do so, and in this case it is seemingly appropriate. However, regardless of what you call it, it usually is applied in quantities sufficient to kill a full-grown water buffalo.

So, if you’re determined to use this dangerous stuff you should at least know what it is. In a nutshell it is a scent; women usually prefer fruity and flowery aromas while the gents tend to go in for the spices and female attracting pheromones, i.e. musk. The scent is added to highly volatile, not to mention flammable liquids in the form of esters and alcohol. These additives bond to the scents and as the concoction evaporates the scents are carried to the target, usually a member of the opposite sex’s nose—not to mention their eyes, lungs and eventually brain.

There definitely should also be a warning label on the eau de toilette, forewarning the user that using more than just a drop or two can be hazardous to the health of everyone within ten feet of the user. For some reason the wearer never seems to be bothered by the fumes no matter how much of the stuff they spray or slap onto their face, neck, arms, wrists and I shudder to think of where else some people may apply this gasoline-like potion.

Want to get a cheap high? Go to your local retirement village on a Sunday morning and hop in one of the access vans filled with dolled up ladies who are on their way to church. Or better yet, offer to drive your favorite sixteen-year-old male and a handful of his buddies to the mall. I guarantee you that by the time you arrive at your destination you will be seeing rocking horse people eating marshmallow pies—my apologies to John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

So please, if you are reading this and feel you may be an eau de toilette abuser do the rest of us a favor; ask someone to give you a sniff or two before you leave the house. If their eyes roll back in their head and they faint, you may want to consider wiping yourself down with a warm, wet washcloth before you kill someone—or better yet, just shower with a pleasant smelling deodorant soap and forget about fumigating yourself before you go out in public.